We Can Do Hard Things: Answers to life’s 20 questions

Heavy in weight and sometimes heavy in content, this book is packed with potential answers to ‘life’s 20 questions’. Co-authors Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach and Amanda Doyle share wisdom drawn from their own experiences, as well as from conversations held during their We Can Do Hard Things podcast. There are over 100 contributors, including actors, authors, psychologists, psychiatrists, sportspeople, musicians, academics, politicians, judges and journalists. Most, but not all, of them are based in the USA, and many contributors are women.

Each chapter focuses on one of the 20 questions, including: How do I go on?, How do I feel better right now?, How do I make and keep real friends?, How do I forgive?, How do I let go?, Parenting: Am I doing this right?, and How do I make peace with my body? The full list of questions is also on the back cover of the book. Doyle, Wambach and Doyle suggest that the same 20 questions will come up again and again throughout our lives.

Topics covered include intergenerational and community trauma, racism, abuse, living with a chronic condition or disability, disordered eating, anxiety, sexual identity, conflict, and relationships with family and friends. Although many questions tackle hard topics, the contributors offer hope and encouragement. ‘We can do hard things,’ emphasises the title – and there is reassurance throughout the book that we are not alone, that others have likely faced similar challenges too. Contributors share insights, uplifting stories and (largely) positive outcomes.

The authors encourage everyone to adopt their own approach and to come up with solutions and strategies that will work for them. These might include, for example, exercise, spiritual practices, creative activities, sessions with a counsellor, attending Al-Anon meetings, medication, setting boundaries, spontaneous chats with the checkout operator – there are many suggestions offered. There are affirmations, as well as ways to think about a situation from another angle. It’s not always clear who came up with a particular quote, although this doesn’t really matter. Here’s a selection of quotes from different chapters:

                I’m happier when I decide what is enough.

Anger is telling me there is something wrong, not something wrong with me … I need to get curious about what is bothering me.

                To get unstuck, I stop trying to win a losing game.

Sometimes life creates a path for you and it ends up being the right path.

Some contributors draw on research evidence, for example, in the chapter that refers to attachment theory. ‘The way we show up in our relationships,’ says psychologist Dr Alexandra Solomon, ‘…is a reflection of the way our caregivers showed up for us.’ She suggests that learning about the four primary attachment styles she describes can help us understand how to develop more trusting relationships.

Another contributor prompts us to consider our self-limitations, taking into account the roles we play within our families, first as children and later as adults. As the peacemaker, perhaps, or the hero or the ‘perfect one’, as the scapegoat or the rebel.

I am aware now, more than ever, of the boxes I’ve placed myself into— the ones that were introduced to me by my family and my culture. I consciously stepped into them and closed  the lid in order to stay safe, in order to be liked, in order to fit in. (Alex Hedison: photographer, artist, director, and actor)

The book has no reading list or list of references as such. However, many contributors’ biographies include the titles of books, podcasts, apps and so on, for readers wanting to learn more about particular topics. Although the helpline numbers listed are USA-based, there are similar free helpline services available in New Zealand.

This is an easy book to dip in and out of, as a lot of the content is bite-sized. It’s presented in different ways, including stories, conversations, diagrams and sketches. The book is a good resource for times when you face a setback or personal crisis, whether the challenge feels small or overwhelming. The ideas could also help you to support someone else who’s having a hard time.

Reviewer: Anne Kerslake Hendricks

Vermilion/Penguin Random House