Interview: Helen Ellis talks about Being a Distance Grandchild: A Book for All Generations

Helen Ellis, M.A. is a New Zealand-based researcher, writer, anthropologist, and a seasoned distance grandparent. With three of her four children, and six of her seven grandchildren (aged 2 to 26), living between 16 and 30 flight hours away in the United States, England, and Scotland, she lives the life she writes about. Helen is the founder of DistanceFamilies.com, a platform dedicated to supporting and understanding the unique dynamics of families spread across the globe. Her guiding research question – How is Distance Familying for you? – reflects her deep commitment to giving voice to each generation of Distance Families. Helen talks to NZ Booklovers.

Tell us a little about Being a Distance Grandchild: A Book for All Generations.

This book was a real privilege to research and write. When I began, I didn’t realise that the experience of being a distance grandchild was something no researcher anywhere had formally explored before. That surprised me — after all, so many children grow up living far from their grandparents.

What was just as striking was that this was largely unexplored territory for the distance grandchildren themselves. Many had never been asked to think about where they lived in relation to their grandparents, or how that distance had shaped their relationships. As we talked, there were genuine light-bulb moments — memories resurfaced, connections were made, and new understandings emerged. Watching that process unfold was incredibly special, and it sits at the heart of what Being a Distance Grandchild offers readers of all generations.

This is the third and final book in your series. Can you tell us a little about the other two books?

Each book in the series explores the lived reality — the “how it is” — for different generations of families separated by geography. Together, they tell the whole family story of distance.

The first book, Being a Distance Grandparent, focuses on those who remain “back home.” Readers often discover they are not alone in their thoughts or emotions, and many appreciate the gentle reassurance, understanding, and practical hints shared along the way.

The second book, Being a Distance Son or Daughter, centres on adult children who live away from their families — whether as expats or migrants, or, in New Zealand’s case, people who have moved here from other parts of the world. In most cases, the decision to leave is a chosen one, and with that choice comes a complex mix of emotions that can be surprisingly difficult to navigate.

What inspired you to write these books?

I’ve lived the distance family experience for more than 30 years, and while completing my Master’s research one finding stood out very clearly: much goes unsaid between the different generations of families separated by distance. Time together is limited, conversations are precious, and often it simply feels too hard to say everything that matters.

What I’ve learned is that when each generation better understands “how it is” for the others, empathy grows — and empathy is what allows distance families to thrive. That belief sits at the heart of this series. The subtitle of each book is A Book for All Generations because my hope is that grandparents, parents, and grandchildren will read beyond their own experience and gain insight into one another’s worlds. If that understanding helps families thrive even a little more, then these books have done what I hoped they would.

What research was involved?

Each book involved a slightly different research approach. My Master’s thesis formed the backbone of Being a Distance Grandparent. I interviewed New Zealand distance grandparents, drew on the small amount of existing formal research available internationally, and wove that together with my own lived experience and many anecdotal stories. When people discover what I do, they often say, “I’ve got a story too,” and those shared experiences helped deepen the work.

For Being a Distance Son or Daughter, there was no shortage of research on expats and migrants generally. However, to truly understand what it feels like to be a distance son or daughter, I needed to go further. I listened to podcasts and spent time quietly observing online spaces — particularly Facebook groups where expats and migrants seek advice about coping away from home. Over time, clear patterns of thinking emerged. By placing myself in their shoes, I came to understand more deeply “how it is” for them.

The grandchild book required a different approach again. While there was a small amount of academic research, most of it skirted around the experience I wanted to explore, and no one had researched the topic directly before. Interviewing children can be complex, so in the end I spoke with many distance grandchildren about their experiences. Their stories were insightful, moving — and often quite magical — and they form the heart of Being a Distance Grandchild.

What was your routine or process when writing?

My writing process feels a bit like working on a massive jigsaw — or, as the saying goes, throwing a lot of mud at the wall. I have research in one place, quotes somewhere else, and personal reflections in another. I start by drafting a Contents page and then quite literally drop text into a Word document wherever it seems to belong. For a long time, it’s messy and I feel like I’m all over the place.

Then, slowly — very slowly — the real work begins. There’s a lot of shuffling and reshaping as each chapter starts to feel right, paragraphs find their natural order, and quotes and reflections settle into the place where they truly belong. Every book in the series has come together this way.

I used to imagine that writers simply sat down and typed 60,000 words from start to finish. My experience has been very different — and I’ve learned that sometimes the mess is an essential part of making something meaningful.

If a soundtrack were made to accompany this book, name a song or two you would include.

My choice would be Michael Bublé’s Home. Many distance grandchildren — and the adults around them — would recognise its themes of longing, connection, and the idea that home is defined by relationships rather than geography. The song captures how children often carry their families with them emotionally, even when they are physically far apart.

On a more personal note, one line holds particular meaning for me: “This was not your dream, but you always believed in me.” While the lyrics speak broadly to family separation, they also remind me of the quiet, consistent support of my husband that makes work like this possible — something for which I remain deeply grateful.

What did you enjoy most about writing these books?

Without a doubt, what I’ve enjoyed most has been the people I’ve met and the connections I’ve made. In the world of global mobility, there are so many individuals who immediately recognise this experience whether they live in New Zealand, Dubai or London. When people realise you truly understand their lived reality, connections form quickly — and often very deeply.

As I was finalising my responses for this publication, I received an email from one of the contributors to Being a Distance Grandchild — someone whose story, and family, I had come to know well. I had recently told her that the grandchild book had been published, and she wrote back from Singapore:

“It was a pleasure sharing my stories with you. In particular, the story about seeing my father on arrival in Pakistan is very poignant for me, as sadly he passed away yesterday. I will be travelling back to the UK next week for his funeral and to settle his affairs. I saw him only a few weeks ago and celebrated his 90th birthday with him, along with other family members. My children have also been sharing stories about the happy memories and the significant influence he had on them growing up as ‘distance grandchildren’. It’s such an important topic.”

Reading her word tears rolled down my cheeks — a quiet reminder of just how deeply these stories and connections had become.

What did you do to celebrate finishing the final book?

My first two books were published during Covid, so there were no in-person launches or events to mark the moment. I even won a global mobility award and couldn’t attend the ceremony in Melbourne — instead, I was represented by a roving robot that relayed my voice from an iPad at my kitchen table. It was certainly memorable.

This time, I’m having a wee party. I’ve invited a group of people who have been alongside me through each book — those who shared their stories, offered their expertise, and quietly supported the work along the way. Writing can be a surprisingly solitary space, so I’m really looking forward to having everyone together in the same room and celebrating properly at last.

What is the favourite book you have read so far this year and why?

I confess to being a die-hard fan of Alexander McCall Smith and recently devoured the latest book in his Scotland Street series. His writing is such a pleasure to return to — warm, observant, and quietly comforting.

I’ve also really enjoyed a recent read by local author and friend Lindsey Dawson. We’ve known each other for several years, and she has just published a historical true-crime story. Crime isn’t usually my genre of choice, but when supporting local fellow writers, I like to keep an open mind. I thoroughly enjoyed this book, particularly Lindsey’s “story behind the story,” which added real depth and humanity to the narrative.

What’s next on the agenda for you?

I’ve come to realise that completing a three-book series is, in many ways, bigger than a PhD. This has been a big project. For now, I’d like to consolidate and take stock. There is so much good that can still come from what I’ve learned through this work.

A friend in the global mobility space has suggested creating an audio course, and I’m also aware of a real need in my local community for an expat and migrant support group. I’m keen to explore where these ideas might lead. I know now that I can research, write, and publish books — but I also know there are many other meaningful ways to use this knowledge to support families living with distance.

https://www.distancefamilies.com/