How Will I Ever Get Through This? by Lucy Hone

Events that knock us sideways often come out of the blue, leaving us unprepared for both what’s happening and the rush of feelings that follow. Christchurch psychologist Dr Lucy Hone’s latest book offers practical and proven ideas for finding hope when life is tough. I’ve been fortunate to hear her speak in person and her book reflects her characteristic warmth, curiosity, enthusiasm, and down-to-earth insights.

Hone studied resilience with other world-leading experts and her guidance is based on solid evidence as well as her own experiences.

‘Adversity doesn’t discriminate,’ says Hone, reflecting on the unexpected death of her beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi, as well as stories shared by many others. Abi’s spirit is woven gently throughout the book. She was (and is) Hone’s ‘teeny-weeny girl’ whose memory brings joy. Hone sometimes whispers goodnight to her still.

The book has two main parts, each focusing on ten questions. Part One covers the most common questions Hone hears when she meets people whose lives have been disrupted at the deepest level, and who are ‘wondering how they’ll ever find their way back to hope and happiness again’.

Part Two provides questions to consider as we find a new way forward, including Who and what is still good in your world? and who and what do you want to live for? The final section of the book is a reading and resource list that includes references to books, research papers and websites, as well as a link to Hone’s excellent TED talk on ‘The Three Secrets of Resilient People’.

Hone offers suggestions for finding our way through grief, not only death-related grief but also the grief associated with ‘invisible’ or ‘living’ losses that aren’t always acknowledged but are also significant. Such losses include the end of a relationship, a diagnosis, infertility, and redundancy. Sometimes the person, place, possession or project that has been lost still exists, but is absent from our day-to-day life. Hone describes these as ‘ambiguous losses’ and acknowledges the feelings (such as loneliness and uncertainty) that can result.

Hone admits that grief is messy and hard. She’s not afraid to use four-letter words. She knows what it’s like to feel hopeless and helpless.

                Having our … world turned upside down and inside out is a scary thing.

Her book is full of ideas to help us put our world back together. She explains things clearly and encourages us to identify the ‘ordinary magic’ of the small, everyday actions or comforting rituals that, one day at a time, will help us to move forward.

[This] can be as simple as texting a friend to say, ‘I’m struggling today,’ or as deliberate as setting a reminder to get outside each morning.

Hone describes the methods she relies on, as well as what works for other people living with grief. These include apps, breathing techniques, movement and exercise, grounding practices, having pets around, and immediate and longer-term ways to  ‘get out of your head [with its overwhelming thoughts] and back into your body’. She shares checklists and prompts, QR codes linking to additional resources, and open-ended questions to help us discover our strengths and work out which approaches are best for us.

Hone challenges the widespread belief that there are ‘five stages of grief’. She explains how Kubler-Ross’s framework has been misused and that grief is not experienced in orderly stages but instead can ebb and flow. Hone and other researchers agree that the view that there’s a fixed timeline and process for ‘moving on’ is harmful rather than helpful. Everyone progresses at their own pace.

Although the content of the book is designed to support us to ‘find your own path’, Hone makes it clear that this will require deliberate effort:

You have to be committed to doing the work… It’s about actively engaging in the process rather than reading passively and waiting for healing to come.

Hone reminds us that professional help is sometimes needed too, especially if our ability to function is gradually getting worse.

The book’s cover, designed by Christa Moffitt, includes Abi's dots – and while the book explores sombre topics, these bright and colourful circles are both eye-catching and uplifting.

Hone writes in a warm, conversational style and her suggestions are real and relatable. Her book is a superb resource, whether you’re working through your own challenges or wanting to support someone else who’s facing loss. Above all, Hone offers hope and conviction.

You can and will get through this … your world will look different, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have good, purposeful, happy days ahead.

Reviewer: Anne Kerslake Hendricks

Allen & Unwin